Hitting the Wall in Midlife

Mid-life Crisis? It could never happen to me!

I have discovered that there are generally two types of people. There are those who know exactly what you mean when you mention 'mid-life crisis' and those who only see it as a joke. I have often said about a friend of mine that he wouldn’t know a mid life crisis if he fell over one.

A few years ago I went through what I considered to be a strange phase. Those that know me would say that I am a fairly serious type of person. Yet suddenly I wanted to do something different and become a more fun loving and adventurous person. Not a bad idea you may think - but there are limits. Trekking though the Himalayas is not a good ambition for someone who had the issues associated with Parkinson's Disease (although it had not been diagnosed), and whose most adventurous moment up till then was camping in a trailer tent on a 4* camping site! There seemed to be a lack of realism during this phase.

Maybe you are the type of person who thinks that a mid-life crisis is either an urban myth, or at worst, something that happens to somebody else? I certainly fell into that category and never really thought that it was something that would bother me. I had a family and a comfortable lifestyle and therefore the idea of hitting a crisis seemed far from my thinking. Some of us are so good at organising and wearing the different hats of life that we don’t have time to think, let alone have a mid-life crisis! Let’s face it, life can be busy and the pressures of employment, and commitments such as providing for a family, or looking after an aging parent, can be very great - we just don’t have the luxury of being able to take the time out to have a mid-life crisis!.

Even if the theme of this article isn't something you easily relate to, it may help you understand someone that you know. I have recently published a book on this subject and a friend said that it had helped her understand her husband's puzzling experience.

The twists and turns of life can be unexpected. Major life events such as redundancy, illness, empty nest syndrome or bereavement of one sort or another can bring on a mid-life crisis. For me the issues of Parkinson’s disease were significant. These major life events are often referred to as ‘triggers’.

Also I came to a point where I realised that I had not achieved in life the aims that I had set out for myself when young and suddenly found myself without purpose or passion in life.

I am sure that there are many people who have found that life has taken them where they did not want to go. Maybe you are one of those people who had high ambitions as a child but have never attained them. I was the sort of person who wanted to change the world for the better but found it is not as easy as I thought. Instead of changing the world, the world seemed to change me. During this period I had a few chips on my shoulder and blamed others for the situation.Well It couldn't be my fault!!

If I am honest I have to admit that life for me has not gone according to plan. In order to influence the world of the future I chose to be a teacher, but after struggling with the job for ten years, found that the “noble profession” was not for me.

In the 1980s we set up a business producing cakes and pies. Sounds fun and yes it was – at first. It was certainly exciting buying the equipment and investing in the business, but making ends meet became harder when new supermarkets moved into the area. Eventually we had to sell up on move on.

Redundancy is one of those words that strikes fear into the heart of any employee and at 50 I was made redundant from my job as a distance learning tutor. It was a job I loved and this lead to a mid life crisis from which I have now largely recovered, (I think!)

This is a big subject but here are some things I learnt, mostly the hard way.

In the UK we have a health warning on packets of cigarettes. Here is a health warning. If you are experiencing a mid-life crisis, it can be your body's way of saying that you need a rest - or at least a change. Take it seriously.

Find fun things to do.

Monty Python, a satirical comedy, came up with the expression that "nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" and likewise I would say that "nobody expects a Mid-life Crisis". However if life is getting too pressured and serious then you are more likely to have one so find time for fun!

Try something that you have not done for years or not at all. Think about the things that you like doing. Go to the fair, the coast or decide to support your local football team. The important thing is not what you do, but that you’re getting out and having some fun.

Discover a new hobby, try something creative or get rid of some of that adrenaline and climb a mountain.

Also it is important to learn to relax. Breathing exercises can be helpful, or simply do some deep breathing out in the fresh air.

In order to handle my mid-life crisis I did some research on the things I would like to do. I realised that buying a fancy sports car was not financially realistic, but I came up with the slightly cheaper options of writing and photography both of which I now pursue enthusiastically. Put in a google search on hobbies and interests, and it's amazing what you can come up with. The list is endless but find something that is uniquely you, perhaps something you've never thought to have a go at before.

Make friends with yourself.

One of my failings was that I tended to put myself down. I read some books on self help and the best of these encourage you to befriend yourself. I remember one said that it was a good idea to look in the mirror and remind yourself of your strong points. Well I did feel stupid grinning at myself, and telling myself how great I am! But I got the point that it is good to not just be aware of your failings but also your strengths, talents and successes. When Oliver Cromwell was having his portrait done, he told the artist that he wanted to be painted "warts and all". It is so important that we learn to accept ourselves as we are.

It helps to write things down.

Try starting a journal and write down the positive aspects of your life. List your strengths, talents and the things that you have achieved. Be encouraged - we have always achieved more than we think we have, as most of us have the tendency to run ourselves down and dwell on the negative. Make sure you have a positive list of your attributes before you move onto the next stage.

Now you may be able to list some of your failings and the things that you would like to change. Only do this when you are ready, and don't be too hard on yourself.

There are some things that we need to put to rest if we are to move forward. It can be extremely hard and painful but sometimes we need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes that we have made. Also be prepared to forgive others. If someone has done you wrong they probably don’t care twopence if you harbour a grudge as it certainly doesn’t harm them! So the only person who it hurts is you. There is a time to draw a line in the sand and let go. I have discovered that a lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness and some psychologists even claim that it can damage us physically. I have personally found the Christian faith to be of immense help in this area, but forgiveness is relevant to people of all world views.

Saying "Help" is not a weakness

I used to be the type of person who liked to solve my own problems and kept my thoughts to myself. Talking issues over with someone else, however, is essential, be it a professional counsellor, doctor, or a good friend. Find out more about the subject; I have just tried to whet your appetite. Never be afraid to seek help. Learning to tackle life's issues is a sign of personal growth and not a weakness.

I remember when I was young, thinking that I knew most of what there was to know. As I have got older, I have discovered that there is always so much to learn, not just academically, but also from life experiences. If we choose to do so we can learn from every experience including a mid-life crisis. Looking back I now realise that this phase of life was an opportunity to learn more about myself. The key for coping with any crisis is to not let it defeat you, but rather use it as an opportunity for becoming a more mature person.